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26 Re: Guren Clan on Sat Mar 14, 2015 10:10 pm

Sanmiittai

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Genin
I hope that the changes I made are to your liking tame.


____

You can call me, San, Blue, Bara, Shades or Aoi c:
I have school, so i might not be around a lot though.
Sanmiittai ninja info card:


27 Re: Guren Clan on Sun Mar 22, 2015 9:09 pm

Ayakashi

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KKG & Drawbacks

I want this clan further distanced from the Hyuuga's byakkugan / gentle fist, as far as i was aware, doujutsu are not something that you can simply train and attain, especially not from training with somebody else, also, you can only have a max of +3 among tiers to stats in pros, and you have nowhere near the drawbacks needed to balance this clan out. Drawbacks go point to point with pros, so, you have a doujutsu, then you have +3 among tiers to stats. Which is 4 up-sides to the clan, you're going to need 4 rather large downsides to make up for it. You also have some little spelling errors throughout, just a heads up.

EDIT: Also, how are you hitting chakra points without being able to see them?

Jutsu

#1: Needs a speed, you're not getting light speed KO at all. I want a speed, a range for KO and Stun ETC, I want a visual cue so people can TRY to dodge it. This needs work.

#2: This jutsu is confusing... Tai can't project chakra that way and have that kind of medical ninjutsu level of control Ie forming blood clots in an opponent to hinder movement. Also, how does this require your doujutsu? The projectiles need a speed, and the hinderence needs a value. After you do this, i will have a look again, to ensure that it is not too close to gentle fist.

#3: poisons and toxins are not allowed, pending a staff guideline not to be arriving soon, so the jutsu at this rank is denied, also using enhanced plants is within the KKG range of the Senju, which is more grounds for denial.


You go a lot of work to go on this clan to bring it up to par, you also didn't edit much of what Miles was saying earlier, i would read through the jutsu rules and some examples of staff created clans to get an idea of how people app things. I'm sorry if i came off harsh at all, I really didn't mean to. <3


____



~ Jutsu List ~ Aya's Stats ~ Item Lockup ~ Jutsu Rej ~
Theme Song
Taijutsu SS-Bukijutsu SS-Senjutsu S || Fuuton SS-Suiton SS-Hyouton SS

EP: 5

28 Re: Guren Clan on Sun Mar 22, 2015 11:10 pm

Ayakashi

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(I've made edits to me previous post~)


____



~ Jutsu List ~ Aya's Stats ~ Item Lockup ~ Jutsu Rej ~
Theme Song
Taijutsu SS-Bukijutsu SS-Senjutsu S || Fuuton SS-Suiton SS-Hyouton SS

EP: 5

29 Re: Guren Clan on Mon Mar 23, 2015 9:05 am

Sanmiittai

avatar

Genin
OK I understand, wip.


____

You can call me, San, Blue, Bara, Shades or Aoi c:
I have school, so i might not be around a lot though.
Sanmiittai ninja info card:


30 Re: Guren Clan on Mon Mar 23, 2015 10:33 am

Sanmiittai

avatar

Genin
Ok, so I worked on it and changed a few things, I hope that this helps, and you were not being to harsh Ayakashi, I understood and you gave me a clear understanding of what needed to be fixed in order for my clan to be approved. So please review and tell me what I need to fix, or if there is nothing to fix please approve, I would appreciate your opinion about my clan <3


____

You can call me, San, Blue, Bara, Shades or Aoi c:
I have school, so i might not be around a lot though.
Sanmiittai ninja info card:


31 Re: Guren Clan on Thu Mar 26, 2015 5:47 pm

Ayakashi

avatar



History // KKG

Your history is interesting, I like it. It's unique, builds off extended canon and slots into the site nicely. Well done~

"+2 speed, faster reflexes and agility (+1 for both)." <-- This is what i asked you to change, you're getting a total of +4 stats out of this, where the maximum for any clan is +3, and then you need to take an equal active disadvantage to make up for these three. receiving +1 rank of damage from a spec or element is considered 'one' of these kinds of drawbacks, you will need 3 of them.

I would also like you to say in the KKG how the user activates the eye. You say in the drawback its cost to activate and maintain, but you're going to need to go into a lot better detail about the eye itself in this section. At what rank is a person able to unlock it? How many words/ conditions need to be met to do so, if any, etc etc. Remember, this is a Doujutsu, it is special, it is one of the most iconic and legendary Kekkei Genkai in the Naruto world, people with Doujutsu are famous 'just' for having them, and you need to give it that attention. When you describe it in the KKG you are giving other players a guide for how to play a member of this clan, right now, if I were to make a character, I don't know how this Hoshigan works... which is a shame, cos i think it's really cool. It's a slight shame it has nothing to do with the 'mysterious peacock method,' but oh well...



Drawbacks:

You are going to need more active drawbacks, the chakra cost for the Hoshigan should be in the KKG section where you describe the hoshigan, not being able to learn genjutsu is not an active drawback which will negatively effect you in a thread, being weak to it would be, not being able to use it... not so much, and you need 3 of those active drawbacks just to balance out your statistic increases from the clan buff, and another to balance it being a doujutsu clan.

Examples of the kind of drawbacks i am looking for:

  • -'s to statistics

  • weaknesses to specs / elements

  • Negative special characteristics that cannot be balanced

  • the inability to learn 4th elements / specs, or third, if you wanna go that far.

  • reductions to how high you can train said specs / elements.


These all give you an 'active' drawback when, for example, in combat with another player, they are things which are going to effect your character ICly and balance out their disadvantages, much of what you have in your disadvantages so far, are things which should be in a nice long description of how your Doujutsu works, in your KKG description area. :)

Jutsu:

Flash:

  • I don't understand this, you say it moves at 15mp/s, you describe a blue glow appearing 2 minutes before the flash? Most fights in this site are over in 30 seconds... I would suggest something like a blue glow coveres the range of the technique for 2 seconds, before the flash comes, and knocks out people within the first 10m and stuns those in the remaining range for 1 turn. Or something. Then, you don't need a speed as such, it's just if people don't move or block, it's over
  • you have a scaling range and duration, but the jutsu is not a scaling jutsu, i don't understand it, does it scale or does it not, and if so, what's the difference with its scaling power?
  • Also, how does it knock people out? I would like to know how, is it a blast from the eye, this jutsu is not very descriptive.
  • How wide is the area, it's 20m long, but there is no width, is it just 20m ahead and in every direction you can see?



Eclipse:

  • I would like you to describe the clones for me in more detail please, how are they formed, how do they appear?
  • How much damage can they do?
  • I'd like the cooldown to be higher please, closer to 5-6
  • So, i assume the user does not control these clones, as you've already stated what they do? They're just, kinda, physical attack / berserker clones? Please confirm




I think you may not understand something, on saga we don't use mph, = miles per hour... we use mp/s which is meters per second. ^_^ We way to go yet, but i'm seeing some good changes.


____



~ Jutsu List ~ Aya's Stats ~ Item Lockup ~ Jutsu Rej ~
Theme Song
Taijutsu SS-Bukijutsu SS-Senjutsu S || Fuuton SS-Suiton SS-Hyouton SS

EP: 5

32 Re: Guren Clan on Fri Mar 27, 2015 5:56 am

Sanmiittai

avatar

Genin
Understand, I will put wip next to the title and bump when finished.


____

You can call me, San, Blue, Bara, Shades or Aoi c:
I have school, so i might not be around a lot though.
Sanmiittai ninja info card:


33 Re: Guren Clan on Fri Mar 27, 2015 6:23 am

Ayakashi

avatar



when you've finished just post again with a link to here in the req's thread, i will get to it faster that way :)


____



~ Jutsu List ~ Aya's Stats ~ Item Lockup ~ Jutsu Rej ~
Theme Song
Taijutsu SS-Bukijutsu SS-Senjutsu S || Fuuton SS-Suiton SS-Hyouton SS

EP: 5

34 Re: Guren Clan on Sat Mar 28, 2015 6:23 pm

Sanmiittai

avatar

Genin
Finished, edited, posted <3 kind regards, Aya.


____

You can call me, San, Blue, Bara, Shades or Aoi c:
I have school, so i might not be around a lot though.
Sanmiittai ninja info card:


35 Re: Guren Clan on Wed Apr 08, 2015 12:50 am

Ayakashi

avatar



Hi~, a lot of what i said still stands true, I was hoping it would be fixed, which is why i took so long, but here's some more things to jog you along.

KKG

  • you have one set of +1's in your KKG description, and you get +.25's etcetera from your levels of eyes, are these the same buff as it upgrades over time, or are they cumulative? We don't dabble in 1/4s of tiers, so you're going to need to fix that and clear up that distinction. :) use mp/s if you have to, but keep them within the bounds of a jutsu which uses the same amount of chakra.
  • Remove wordcounts from straining, its just a post count
  • Chakra costs increase in multiples of fives across the board to keep things easy, we don't use 7's


Drawbacks:

  • increased word-counts is not a drawback Ie 'weak in learning'
  • that stat word count decrease is not a drawback at all, and i would like you to use another one. (considering that the SS tiers require something like 5000 words to rank up.)
  • and being weak IN an element is not what I'm trying to say, being weak TO an element is, meaning that you take 1 rank of damage from those sources.


Jutsu:
[*] is this a flash or a projectile now? So, it seems to me what you're trying to say is that: The users eyes spin very quickly, and within 15m around the user, the area begins to glow blue for 2 seconds, then there is a flash which travels at 15mps (you can make this like, 30mp/s), if people are caught within the first 10m radius when the flash hits, they are knocked unconsious for 2 posts. people caught in the furtherst 5m are instead stunned for a single post. If that is correct, use this wording please... or change it to be less misleading :)
[*] people don't have a health bar on saga, we have a bar for chakra but that keeps things fair, the damages in the jutsu guidelines are pretty specific on what kind of damage is available to jutsu of each rank, though note, that they are worded as generalizations. please adhere to these damage charts. activated chakra cost on a B rank jutsu is always 20, unless you want to make it higher as a drawback. [/list]


____



~ Jutsu List ~ Aya's Stats ~ Item Lockup ~ Jutsu Rej ~
Theme Song
Taijutsu SS-Bukijutsu SS-Senjutsu S || Fuuton SS-Suiton SS-Hyouton SS

EP: 5

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